New Iraq Exit Strategy

U.S. Cedes Control of Iraq to Jerry Bruckheimer

Megaproducer to Guide Nation's Transition to Disaster Film



By ANDY BOROWITZ
Borowitzreport.com

In a high-risk exit strategy that surprised many in diplomatic circles, President George W. Bush announced today that the United States would cede control of Iraq to the Hollywood megaproducer Jerry Bruckheimer.

The decision to transfer sovereignty of Iraq to Mr. Bruckheimer, best known for such Hollywood thrill-rides as "Pirates of the Caribbean," struck many foreign policy experts as unorthodox at best, since Mr. Bruckheimer has no experience at nation-building and has never set foot in Iraq.

But at the White House today, a beaming President Bush said that Mr. Bruckheimer was the most logical choice to guide Iraq in its transition from a Middle Eastern nation to a big-budget disaster film.

"It is true that Jerry Bruckheimer has never been to Iraq," Mr. Bush told reporters. "But he did produce 'Armageddon.'"

For his part, Mr. Bruckheimer was tight-lipped about his plans for the war-torn nation, but he did offer a sneak preview, telling reporters, "Nicholas Cage will be playing a key role."

Mr. Bruckheimer added that Iraq had "all the ingredients" necessary to become a major summer blockbuster: "lots of explosions, thousands of people running for their lives, and a world-class villain, Saddam Hussein."

But whether Mr. Hussein would be willing to play a role in Mr. Bruckheimer's disaster epic remains to be seen, according to the deposed dictator's Hollywood agent, Adam Leinhartz of the William Morris agency.

"What Saddam really wants to do is direct," Mr. Leinhartz said.

Elsewhere, the G.O.P. announced a new midterm election strategy, saying that it would target voters who have not read a newspaper in two years.

Andy Borowitz's New Book - $11.53 at Amazon.com