Obama Imperils Democrats' Losing Tradition, Party Members Fear

Dean Reassures Dems:
'We Can Still Screw This Up'

By ANDY BOROWITZ
Borowitzreport.com

The sudden ascendancy of Illinois Sen. Barack Obama has many Democratic Party regulars afraid that a White House win by the charismatic politician would destroy a losing tradition that has taken years to build, Democratic leaders confirmed today.

Across the country, polls showing Sen. Obama to have rising appeal across a broad spectrum of likely voters have rattled the nerves of longtime Democrats, who take pride in their party's record of futility in presidential elections.

"This is the party of Dukakis and Mondale, Kerry and McGovern," said longtime Democrat Carol Foyler, who still sports a "Kucinich in '04" bumper sticker on the back of her Saturn. "We have worked long and hard to build that losing record and we are not prepared to pour it down the drain."

Ms. Foyler said that if Sen. Obama were to win the White House in 2008, "such longtime Democratic traditions as concession speeches, finger-pointing, and clinical depression would be a thing of the past."

Perhaps in response to the concerns of party loyalists like Ms. Foyler, Democratic National Committee chairman Howard Dean gave a speech today to reassure Democrats that even if Sen. Obama is nominated, "We as Democrats can still find a way to screw this up."

"If it looks like we're going to win, I make you this promise," Mr. Dean said. "I will open my piehole and shoot our chances to hell."

Elsewhere, the Malawian man who let Madonna adopt his son said that he only did it in the hopes that rearing him would keep her too busy to pursue her acting career.

Andy Borowitz's New Book - $11.53 at Amazon.com