Early Returns Shocker

Florida Announces Election Results One Day Early
Gov. Bush Praises Efficiency of Electronic Voting Machines

By ANDY BOROWITZ
Borowitzreport.com

The state of Florida made electoral history once again on Monday, announcing its election results a full twenty-four hours before the polls opened in the state.

The unprecedented speed with which Florida was able to report full election results, with one hundred percent of all precincts reporting, prompted Florida Gov. Jeb Bush to declare the milestone "a victory for Florida's state-of-the-art electronic voting machines."

While most Floridians were still in bed Monday morning, the state's touchscreen voting machines began tallying their votes at a rate of one million votes a second, Gov. Bush confirmed.

"By nine A.M. on Monday, we had complete results," Gov. Bush said. "I don't want to sound cocky or anything, but once again it looks like Florida is leading the way, election-wise."

Gov. Bush added that thanks to the voting machine's record-setting reporting of its election results, Florida voters would be able to stay at home on Tuesday, saving the state's residents millions of dollars in gasoline.

But even as Gov. Bush was crowing about his state's unprecedented early tally of its electoral decisions, Democratic National Committee chairman Howard Dean challenged the legitimacy of the vote, noting that Republicans had swept to victory in every single race reported by the supersonic voting machines.

For his part, the Florida governor welcomed Mr. Dean to take his complaints to the U.S. Supreme Court, but added, "According to our early tally, we have already won that case by a 5-4 margin."

Elsewhere, the U.S. economy added 3 million jobs in October, most of them in the field of negative ad production.

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