State Of The Union Unforeseen Benefit

Bush’s Speech Inspires Confidence, Drinking Game



Collegians Get Hammered When President Says ‘Iraq’

By ANDY BOROWITZ
www.borowitzreport.com

President Bush’s State of the Union Address Tuesday night inspired confidence among Republican Party loyalists and a drinking game that spread like wildfire on college campuses across the country.

In dorms and frat houses alike, collegians spent Tuesday laying in ice cold kegs of Old Milwaukee and bottles of Jagermeister, ready to down a beer or do a shooter when Mr. Bush said the word “Iraq.”

At the Delta Kappa Epsilon fraternity at the University of Northern South Dakota, the atmosphere was tense in the early minutes of the president’s speech, as Mr. Bush focused on domestic issues and failed to use the word “Iraq” even once.

“I was sitting there and I was like, am I ever going to get hammered tonight?” said Tracy Klujian, a DKE brother who helped organize the game. “I was like, President Bush, dude, don’t leave me hanging.”

But once the president finished ticking off a laundry list of domestic proposals, he moved on to foreign policy, and soon the entire membership of the DKE was getting tanked.

“This speech is, like, totally ill,” Mr. Klugian said at the forty-five minute mark of the address. “I am wasted.”

As Mr. Bush’s speech wound down, his domestic proposals were a distant memory, as all the DKE members could remember was a drinking game that Mr. Klujian pronounced “bodacious.”

“I’m just glad we decided to drink every time he said ‘Iraq’, and not ‘exit strategy,’” he said.

Elsewhere, Simon Cowell offered an apology for remarks he has made on “American Idol” this season, telling reporters, “I am deeply sorry if I have offended any retards.”

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