Bush Warns Iran Not To Be Helpful On Iraq

Promises ‘Swift Retribution’ For Constructive Role

By ANDY BOROWITZ
www.borowitzreport.com

Amid reports that Iran is prepared to offer Iraq help with reconstruction and other forms of economic aid, President George W. Bush warned Iran today that any helpfulness on its part would be met with “swift retribution” from the U.S.

Speaking from the White House, Mr. Bush warned Iran not to entertain any thoughts of being helpful, vowing, “No good deed will go unpunished.”

The president also issued a stern ultimatum directly to Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, warning him against “future provocative offers of help.”

“Iran can continue down this dangerous path of helpfulness, or it can resume its role as an international pariah,” Mr. Bush said. “The choice is clear.”

The president appeared bent on isolating Iran to punish it for its threatened acts of helpfulness, even naming it to what he called “The Axis of Constructiveness.”

In Tehran, President Ahmadinejad seemed almost emboldened by Mr. Bush’s remarks, even taunting the U.S. president with threats of his own: “Iran will continue to be as helpful as it wants to be, and no one can make us stop.”

On Capitol Hill, congressional leaders worried that Mr. Bush’s options for reining in Iran’s recklessly constructive behavior may be limited.

“President Bush might like to threaten Iran with military action if they persist in being helpful,” said Sen. Joseph Biden (D-Del). “But with the U.S. military stretched thin in Iraq, Iran probably feels that it can be helpful with impunity.”

Elsewhere, a man who stole Crystal Gayle’s tour bus and led authorities on a five-state manhunt stunned the nation, which was not aware that Crystal Gayle was still touring.

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