Thursday, May 31, 2007

Next Week’s News From Borowitz

For the Week of Monday, June 4


Monday, June 4: G.O.P presidential hopeful Fred Thompson will say that if elected he would turn the entire nation of Iraq into a “Law and Order” spin-off.

Tuesday, June 5: Whale-watchers around the world will be relieved when two wayward humpback whales make it safely to sea and Rosie O’Donnell finds a new network.

Wednesday, June 6: Infuriated by persistent questions about steroid use, San Francisco Giants slugger will throw a Toyota Corolla at a reporter.

Thursday, June 7: The Supreme Court will follow up its controversial Title VII decision by putting the Bill of Rights on eBay.

Friday, June 8: President Bush will announce a firm timetable for Cindy Sheehan’s withdrawal from the peace movement.

Saturday, June 9: CNN will change its official slogan to “The Most Trusted Name in News about Lepers.”

Sunday, June 10: Taking over the reins at the World Bank, Robert Zoellick will say that he has heard great things about the institution and is “looking forward to getting laid.”

Andy Borowitz's New Book - $11.53 at

1 comment:

Johnny Cuban said...

Fred Thompson wants to win the Presidency because it is his last chance to get laid. He hasn't had any since Eisenhower was at Normandy.