Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Lou Dobbs’ Head Explodes
Anchor Continues Talking;
Surgical Team Amazed
By ANDY BOROWITZ
The head of longtime CNN anchorman Lou Dobbs exploded last night, fifteen minutes into the broadcast of his nightly news program, “Lou Dobbs Tonight.”
Mr. Dobbs’ rants about illegal immigration over the past few years have made his head exploding while on television a distinct possibility, but few viewers were prepared for the shocking spectacle they witnessed Tuesday night.
During an interview with CNN’s Anderson Cooper, Mr. Dobbs blamed illegal aliens for most of the ills of American society, including crime, leprosy, and confusing signs written in foreign languages.
“And here’s the latest outrage, Anderson,” Mr. Dobbs said. “If a border fence is built between the U.S. and Mexico, as I’ve suggested, it’ll probably be built by illegal Mexican workers.”
Shortly after his statement about illegal Mexican laborers constructing a border fence, Mr. Dobbs’ head exploded, filling the screen with smoke and visibly startling Mr. Cooper.
After Mr. Dobbs’ head burst into flames, his CNN cohort attempted to go to commercial, but Mr. Dobbs continued talking undaunted for another fifteen minutes.
Immediately after the broadcast, Mr. Dobbs was rushed to the Head Explosion Unit at George Washington University Hospital where the CNN anchor continued talking for an additional five hours before being administered general anesthesia.
“In all my years as a brain surgeon I have never seen someone with such serious head trauma continue speaking,” said chief of surgery Dr. Hiroshi Kyosuke. “It is almost as if Lou Dobbs’ mouth functions completely independently from his brain.”
Elsewhere, in response to the controversy over the CIA’s waterboarding videotapes, President Bush reaffirmed his Administration’s opposition to videotaping.
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