Monday, April 13, 2009
Salary Cap Crisis Shocker
Wall Street Salary Caps Drive Away Assholes
Experts Warn of ‘Douchebag Drain'
Of Becoming A Pirate ... "
By ANDY BOROWITZ
As the federal government moves to institute salary caps for Wall Street executives, an increasing number of assholes are seeking employment elsewhere, a study confirmed today.
According to the report commissioned by the University of Minnesota's School of Business, at a time when the economy needs experienced hands at the tiller, some of the financial world's best-trained dickwads are fleeing the ship.
And if the trend continues, the study warns, Wall Street could soon be facing a "douchebag drain" as top buttholes migrate to other countries and industries.
"There is no question that our company is losing some of its most valued assholes," says Bank of America CEO Kenneth Lewis. "I have tried to convince them to stay, but how do you reason with them? After all, they're assholes."
At Blarney O'Malley's, a popular watering hole catering to Wall Street traders, prominent assholes congregated after work last week to ponder the career options facing douchcicles today.
"When I graduated from B-school in '98, you could write your own ticket," said Dirk Bendelson, a veteran asshole from Stamford, Connecticut. "It was a glorious time to be a mofo."
Mr. Bendelson said he was considering using his Wall Street experience to pursue a career that would not be subject to regulation or salary caps: "I'm thinking of becoming a pirate."
Elsewhere, the IRS announced that April 15 is the tax-filing deadline for all Americans not in the president's Cabinet.
Andy Borowitz's Books at Amazon.com