Thousands Apply For Enfield Jobs

News & Commentary

New Bonus Money Found In P&Z Budget

By ANDY THIBAULT and JIM BREWER
The Cool Justice Report
www.cooljustice.blogspot.com
Oct. 24, 2006


EDITOR'S NOTE: This column is available for reprint courtesy of The Cool Justice Report, http://cooljustice.blogspot.com

For background, see Cool Justice Report Classified Ad, Oct. 17, 2006, link: http://cooljustice.blogspot.com/2006/10/cool-justice-report-classified-ad.html


Response to The Cool Justice Report's new classified advertising section has been overwhelming. Our server shut down for 17 minutes last week because of heavy traffic.

Here are just a few of the comments from thousands of applicants for jobs at Enfield Town Hall:

Detroit, Michigan -

To the Director of the Classified Ads Section,

I saw a list of the job openings you posted and am applying for the Zoning Facilitator job. Within the last few years, I have had much experience with Planning and Zoning and feel I am qualified for this position. There may be a few areas in which I lack experience (e.g. -- going around and through), but, I assure you, I am a quick learner.

Hopefully the special incentives are still available, but I am interested in this job with or without the incentives.

Dear Detroit:

How about those Tigers? We know you are very busy these days.

Great news! We have found some extra money in the Planning & Zoning budget, "Other purchased services," to bolster our incentive packages. Starting today, applicants for certain jobs will be eligible to receive industrial size and quality appliances.

This is not for everyone!!! You have to be very special and important. Remember, entitlement is a good thing. And, it's only a gift -- you don't have to declare it or reimburse anyone or anything. Just show it off to your friends, neighbors and associates.

From A Disgruntled Paralegal, Bethany, Ct.

Think they can find me a job doing something? I used to be a cop and I'm going nuts in this law office. The guy who runs it is a refugee from Battlestar Galactica and I never know what he's talking about. I don't need the appliances, just another pension.

Dear Disgruntled:

You seem deranged and potentially violent. We are certain to find a place for you.

From Kissimmee Sue, Florida

I have a pretty good golf swing ... would I qualify for ROAD RAGE WARRIOR AND
POLICE LIAISON. Except, I would want a King size firm, plush mattress …

Dear Kissimmee Sue:

Obviously you are a narcissistic personality. You fit well into both our short- and long-range plans to blow up the matrix at Human Resources. You will be hearing from us soon.

From Vladimir The Indoctrinator, Brighton Beach, Brooklyn, NY:
Dear special positions director Town of Enfield,

I am not sure if I saw this ad in the posting, but I would like to apply for the position of "Chief Political Director and Indoctrination Coordinator."

I am from the former Soviet Union and during the, how you Americans say it: "cold war" I was the Political Officer on a nuclear submarine.

As you know that position is extremely important to the mission. I was awarded the Legion of Merit medal for disappearing the commander of the submarine for making anti-communist statements.

Da! It was the most important moment in my life.

Therefore, I believe that I have the experience, and more importantly, the personality and willpower, to be the next Chief Political Director and Indoctrination Coordinator for the Town of Enfield.

Also, I need a side-by-side refrigerator or I will not take the job! As you Americans say, Super-size it!!!

Vladmir

Dear Vlad:

You do come on very strong. We like that. Therefore, we will pair you with Kissimmee Sue. Survivor gets the job -- not the one you picked that doesn't exist, but, rather, the one we advertised for.

Yo, as you Americans say. Again, dear special positions director,

Have I got a P.S. for you. You cannot scare me. You cannot kill me. I am the ultimate survivor. If I wanted, Kissimmee Sue and her entire family -- including cousins -- would be gone now.

You need some Realpolitik. I can be very useful. I know you have enemies, especially those in small town America who want truth and justice. I can make police dossier on them, GPU style. Better than killing. Arrest enemies many times and lock them up. I truly belong on the Planning & Zoning Commission, but only if I write the job description myself and the Public Safety Director reports to me. If he is worth the extra salary of a police officer cut from the budget, then I am worth at least three.

Dear Vlad:

OK, enough already. We are setting up a special deal for you. See below.


COMING SOON:

Special / private parties and sales at selected retail outlets, utilities and financial institutions. Come to Enfield, where the party never stops!


Watch for more job opportunities at The Cool Justice Report.