Bush Calls Iraq Main Front In War On Gay Marriage

Accuses Iran, Syria
Of Sending Wedding
Planners Over Border

By ANDY BOROWITZ
www.borowitzreport.com

President George W. Bush attempted to build support for the increasingly unpopular war in Iraq today, arguing that Iraq is now “the main front in the war on gay marriage.”

The president had never before linked the war in Iraq to the broader war on gay marriage, but in a nationally televised address today he made such a case.

Speaking from the Oval Office, the president said that America’s enemies, such as Syria and Iran, were directly involved in sending wedding planners over the border into Iraq to plan gay weddings.

The president said that were the United States to withdraw its forces now, as some in Congress have suggested, it would be “sending a dangerous message to gay engaged couples around the globe.”

“Our choice is simple,” Mr. Bush said. “Do we fight the gay fiancés and fiancées in Iraq, or do we leave and let them bring their fabulous nuptials to our shores?”

But even as President Bush was making his argument that the war in Iraq was part of a larger war on gay marriage, gay wedding planners in that war-torn country disputed the president’s assertions.

Hassan El-Medfaii, a gay wedding planner in Saddam Hussein’s hometown of Tikrit, said he had seen “no increase” in gay weddings since the insurgency in Iraq began.

“In this country right now, it’s hard to find two people who can even stand each other, let alone want to get married,” Mr. El-Medfaii said.

Elsewhere, in a positive sign for holiday retailers, sales of totally useless items surged last week.

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