Far-Fetched Claim Shocker

Man, 33, Claims He Has Not Seen Britney Spears’ Vagina


Friends, Experts Skeptical

By ANDY BOROWITZ
www.borowitzreport.com

A Columbus, Ohio man held a press conference today to announce that he has yet to see Britney Spears’ vagina, in spite of the nearly ubiquitous images of it readily available on the Internet.

Randy Klujian, 33, a real estate salesman in suburban Columbus, said that he was making his announcement in order to cement his place in history as the only person in North America, if not the industrialized world, never to have seen Ms. Spears’ private parts.

“I have not seen Britney Spears’ vagina,” Mr. Klujian said to a skeptical press corps. “I have been really busy with work and I haven’t gotten around to it.”

But even as Mr. Klujian made his startling announcement, friends and experts alike came forward to cast doubt on his claim that he has never seen the recording artist’s omnipresent genitalia.

“I like Randy, but this whole thing smacks of a hoax,” said Harland Tenill, one of Mr. Klujian’s co-workers. “I think it’s kind of sad that he would do something like this to get attention.”

Davis Logsdon, who studies the impact of celebrities’ private parts on American culture at the University of Minnesota, agreed that Mr. Klujian’s claim seemed “far-fetched,” but allowed that it was “in the realm of possibility.”

“It’s possible that someone could have a working Internet connection and still not see Britney Spears’ vagina,” Mr. Logsdon said. “It’s not like he claimed that he never saw Paris Hilton’s vagina.”

Elsewhere, a new study shows that the majority of the nation’s sexual predators are on “Dateline NBC.”

Andy Borowitz's New Book - $11.53 at Amazon.com