Diplomatic Ties With Pakistan
The Douche Bag Chronicles
Vol. I, No. 1
Part of an ongoing series
By ANDY THIBAULT
The Cool Justice Report
Nov. 14, 2007
EDITOR'S NOTE: This story is available for reprint courtesy of The Cool Justice Report, http://cooljustice.blogspot.com
For the latest on Doninger V. Niehoff, Schwartz, et al, and comprehensive background reports, please follow the links at the end of this post.
Dateline BURLINGTON, CT [formerly USA]
The rogue nation of Douchebagville reached out in solidarity today to strongman Pervez Musharraf and established diplomatic relations with Pakistan.
Douchebagville gained notoriety throughout the United States in recent months as a Bill of Rights Danger Zone. This position in the public's mind was the result of various repressive measures:
* Suppression of a write-in vote;
* The banning of a student leader from elections after organizers of a battle of the bands sought redress of grievances by lobbying taxpayers;
* School bosses forced students to apologize for reaching out to the community, banned free speech t-shirts and otherwise kept a lid on democracy.
"We like the way Pakistan handles elections," said Regional District 10 School Superintendent Paula Schwartz from her bunker in the newly-renovated administrative compound.
"What she said! -- emphatically and without reflection," said Karissa Niehoff, principal of Douche Bag High, aka Lewis Mills High School.
Schwartz and Niehoff founded Douchebagville with the support of the Region 10 Board of Education and the imprimatur of U.S. District Court Judge Mark Kravitz. They gained the unofficial support of lawyers from white shoe firms who feed at the trough of school boards and taxpayers throughout Connecticut.
Until now, though, Region 10 administrators had no formal partners with whom they could openly discuss suspension of the Constitution and various means to keep students, parents and faculty down.
"I am so glad Maximum Leader Schwartz and Vacuous Acolyte Niehoff are not like the confrontational and unbalanced women of my country," General Musharraf told The Cool Justice Report. "Look at that so-called human rights activist Asma Jahangin. She wants too many rights. And Benazir Bhutto. Bhutto Schmutto. How silly of her to have a protest march.
"I know the drones of Douchebagville, uh, I mean the people of Douchebagville, are in good hands," the general continued. "Schwartz and Niehoff handle write-in votes with finality and decorum. Truly, they are my kind of people."
General Musharraf said he would like to import Kravitz to take care of any negative vibes or negative optics in Pakistan.
Kravitz declined to be interviewed. But, through an associate, he said: "I'm just a real smart guy who likes to engage in the pretense of Socratic dialogue. It gives me a record in case the Neocons have an upcoming vacancy in the circuit courts. So what if I write my decisions before testimony concludes?
"That superintendent's son - what a guy," the judge continued. "He did a real good job sniffing out uncivil discourse. Without him, there would be no Douchebagville today!"
Kravitz played it coy about joining the Musharraf reform team, saying he had many other opportunities to consider.
Still, Musharraf was adamant about bringing Kravitz aboard: "I liked his fancy tap dance using that arbitrary ad hoc balancing test in the Famous Douche Bag case. Who cares if it doesn't fly past the Second Circuit? It was creative and it kept my pal, Paula, out of hot water for a while."
Digressing, the general said, "And, I like those other things they said about Paula in the livejournal posting … "
"Tell Kravitz," the general concluded, "to forget about running for the Second Circuit or joining the big show with his pal, John Roberts. Kravitz is just the kind of guy I need in my new Supreme Court."