Roger Clemens Named New White House Spokesperson

Bush Impressed By Pitcher’s Performance Before Congress

By ANDY BOROWITZ
www.borowitzreport.com

Now pitching for the White House… Roger Clemens.

That was the word out of Washington today as President George W. Bush introduced the embattled pitcher to the White House press corps as his new official spokesperson.

In a joint appearance, Mr. Bush said he decided to tap Mr. Clemens after seeing him testify in congressional hearings last week.

“I was blown away by Roger,” Mr. Bush told reporters. “You don’t let talent like that go to waste.”

For his part, the former Yankee pitcher appeared to relish his newest assignment, telling reporters, “I am totally pumped.”

In his first session with the press today, Mr. Clemens parried with a reporter who asked if the administration was backing off on its promise to start withdrawing troops from Iraq, claiming that the reporter and “misheard” and “misremembered” such a promise.

“You have misheard and misremembered something that we did not mispromise,” said Mr. Clemens, who later denied that his name was Roger Clemens.

Watching his new spokesperson dazzle the press corps, Mr. Bush later said he was filled with pride: “I haven’t seen a performance like that since Rumsfeld.”

In other sports news, the U.S. military’s plans to shoot down a disabled spy satellite were thwarted today when New England Patriots Coach Bill Belichick shot it down first.

Mr. Belichick’s actions lent credence to reports that he used the satellite to film the St. Louis Rams’ practice sessions before the 2002 Super Bowl.

Elsewhere, Pakistan’s President Pervez Musharraf said he was optimistic about this week’s elections in his country, explaining, “Regardless of the vote, I have more superdelegates.”


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