Thursday, January 15, 2009
A Letter From Bernie Madoff
Financier Extends Unique Offer
Please accept my profound apologies for the terrible inconvenience that I have caused over the past weeks. Ruth and I appreciate the support we have received.
-- Letter from Bernie Madoff to his neighbors as quoted in The New York Times, January 12
P.S. I'm sorry my last letter to you was so short, but my ankle bracelet started beeping and that totally freaked me out.
I didn't get a chance to tell you just how much Ruth and I have appreciated the support you've shown - especially all of those lively and memorable messages you keep leaving on our voicemail in the middle of the night. While some of the language is a little saltier than what I'm used to hearing, it's very much in keeping with the rambunctious spirit that this building is known for. Good times!
We also have gotten a kick out of all of the neat decorations you've left outside our apartment door. I never knew what I would look like in effigy! If the smoke detector in the hallway hadn't gone off I wouldn't have gotten a chance to see the darned thing before it burnt to a crisp. Anyway, clearly a lot of work went into it, so to whomever made it, way to go.
Now, in exchange for all the support you've shown me, I'd like to do something for you - in the form of the investment opportunity of a lifetime. Due to the difficult market conditions we now face, I unfortunately can't offer you anything like the returns I've previously delivered to investors, but for the lucky few of you whose applications I deign to accept, I can guarantee an annual nine percent return from now until the end of time. This fund will be closed to new investors as of midnight tonight, so to qualify for the first tier please wire $500,000 in earnest money ASAP (see bank information in the Cayman Islands below). Please attach a 500-word essay explaining why you deserve to give your money to me.
This building has always been about neighbors helping each other out, so in exchange for extending this unique investment opportunity to you, there are a few favors I'd like to ask in return. First, does anyone in the building know anything about melting down gold jewelry so that it doesn't jangle around when you put it in a FedEx envelope? Also, do any of you have access to a twin-engine plane that can fly 1500 miles without refueling? One other thing I would totally be interested in is if one of you knows a plastic surgeon capable of performing a fairly thorough redoing of someone's face in his apartment - for example, making a 70-year-old man look like Benicio del Toro or Miley Cyrus. Failing that, do any of you have access to some super-realistic latex masks? Any of the above favors would be awesome.
Oops, that darned ankle bracelet is going off again. Which reminds me: it would be totally fantstic if one of you (or someone you know) knew something about disabling/removing electronic ankle bracelets. Anyway, I better go now, so let me say goodbye for now and sign off with our building's longstanding motto: "No Snitchin."
You know you love me,
By ANDY BOROWITZ
Andy Borowitz's Books at Amazon.com