‘Run for Your Lives,'
Heard on Wall Street
By ANDY BOROWITZ
CNBC financial pundit Jim Cramer declared the global depression "over" on his "Mad Money" program on Thursday, causing widespread panic around the world and sparking the largest stock sell-off in history.
Just moments after Mr. Cramer delivered his upbeat prediction, stock prices went into an epic free-fall unprecedented in the annals of modern trading as millions of investors rushed for the exits.
"Cramer says the depression is over!" one Wall Street trader was heard shouting on the NYSE floor. "Run for your lives!"
Carol Foyler, an equities analyst for Morgan Stanley, said that Mr. Cramer's optimistic prediction "confirmed all of our darkest fears."
"These are very scary times on Wall Street," Ms. Foyler said. "This news from Jim Cramer may have been the last nail in the coffin."
Seemingly oblivious to the panic he had caused, Mr. Cramer appeared on his program again on Friday and predicted that North Korea would never launch a long-range missile.
"Folks, I'm telling you, there's no way that missile will be launched," he said. "You heard it here first!"
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April 16, 2009 at 8:00PM
Andy Borowitz at Hamilton College
For one night only, Andy performs in upstate NY, free and open to the public! At the Fillius Events Barn, Hamilton College, 198 College Hill Road
Hamilton College, Clinton, NY 13323
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April 30, 2009 at 8:00PM
Andy's Borowitz's Only NY Show!
Andy reviews Obama's first 100 days with special guests Hendrik Hertzberg (The New Yorker), Jonathan Alter (Newsweek, MSNBC) and comedian Judy Gold
The 92nd Street Y, Lexington and 92nd Street
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